dont.be.cute

true love

2011-07-05T03:14:00.004-06:00

"Truth without love is a lie.
Love is the truth.
Spend your time only with those who love you.
Seek out the truth only from these.
Love without truth is a lie.
Truth is love.
The truth of those who love you gives you the space to be."
—Gary Acevedo

i had an amazing breakthrough this week.
it's been building to that point.
i was talking to my brother about god and religion and my qualms there, and i remembered an experience from being a teenager. i realized that this was the exact moment i swallowed my intuition. i gave it up. i gave my compass away. and in that moment, my connection to inspiration and to god himself.
two nights ago, i took it back.
i realized that all of my concerns were guiding me to the sweetheart message that nobody else gets to tell me what's true ever again. only i can really know that. and now, i feel blasted open to try things on and take them directly to god. i've never felt so connected to him.
and i realized this: how can true love find you if you come from neither truth nor love? vibrationally, it just can't. neither party would feel it resonate. it was such a cool moment of, "oh... that's really all it takes? THIS is what my life has been hinging on all these years?" and i got it! completely! i felt power and relief rush into me. my power. my self. me. finally.
i chose to finally forgive. i was able to let this experience go and just love and love and love. i am grateful for my lessons, and now, i am open to all the blessings that come with acceptance.
i am open to real love. and i can feel it coming. and it isn't scary anymore because i know i can trust myself to know it when it comes.
i love my life. i love myself. i am so excited and grateful to be me. everything is clearer.
since then, the skies have practically opened up and rained the kind of people i really deserve in my space. it's incredible.

2011-02-22T23:02:00.001-07:00

you can always tell what kind of person a man thinks you are by the kind of earrings he sends you. i must say, the mind reels.

fortitude

2011-01-27T10:13:00.002-07:00

this is my day.

3 hours of sleep, did my monologue for acting for film, new contacts monday--so i might as well just throw these ones to the wolves.

workshop last night and all weekend. i haven't been to sociology in,.. whoops. guess it's been 2 weeks. i'll go next week or clean my gma's bathroom. and fail school.

things i love today:

finding new people i love to act with.

iron & wine.

rizzo.

living right now to right now to right now.

how everyone who passes me has to comment on how cozy i look.

fresh starts.

being able to sleep basically anywhere.

nap time!

the rescue blues

2011-01-26T12:32:00.003-07:00

thank you, world.

i am, once again, taking john graham's counsel and giving myself the freedom and respect to fail and fail big.

this extends to you, whoever actually reads my blog.

but more importantly to the people who don't.

make a fool out of yourself, blow it, break it, steal it, fake it,

but for the love of god (quite literally)

try something.

put your heart on the line.

do the think that cracks it wide open and dare to live from that space.

i can do that. i am doing it.

these are some of my failure arenas:

singing
performing
being kind

a couple new pieces that will lose much of their appeal as blogger rapes them of their concrete form.

2011-01-10T23:57:00.000-07:00

spinner

he takes me
to the shoreline
to sweep me off my
{to lie in sand}

he takes me
to a new world
away from all my
{to re-design}

he takes me
to the lime light
to loud, dark euphony
{to hold my hand}

he takes me
to the east world
to abstract fiction
{incarnadine}

holy\ier war

i will not be fencing
with you today.
you’ve already whittled
my resolve
into that willow switch.
go ahead, cling tightly,
keep your death-grip rhetoric,
your borrowed glove of
sainthood
across my cheek &
on the ground at my
defeat.
carefully citing some tome of
logical etiquette,
a very thin
shroud, poorly
hiding a very
frightened little boy,
clutching his
almanac beneath the
covers, to stave off
the creatures of dark
non-sense.
now, the Man of
Science, knighted & championing
as God’s pseudo-enlightened,
defying & dressing in the
pages of old suppositions,
ardently witch-hunting
the ineffable:
possibility.
i will not win
against a man of
the cloth
of unbias.

Crone Song

Humor a poor woman
for a spell.
i will tell true.
the ideal is pure,
untouched by pollution &
time.
the vessel
is often less clear;
i am only what I am.
i am full of holes.
(much to my eternal
torment & dismay)
i jump from stones
with[out] clear understanding:
my footing is not always sure.
the landing is not always
graceful, when land i do,
but for a while,
i am among legend,
‘midst stars;
the gaping heavens
claim me as their own,
disturbing geese &
cloud petticoats.
i am a disruptive animal,
but honest
to a fault.
fallible. Betimes, my head
ascended to some lofty
sphere, it is not simple to
extend my whole heart still down here.

camera obscura

i have naught
to explain myself,
as to what i desire from you.

i cannot say,
whom your first love
nor heart’s refrain/

cannot but guess
at scars & dreams
(intact of fraying at
the seams)
yet this is clear—
that love you do
for what, but by name,
i dare not claim—
nor who.

But gentle, unassuming,
written on bright skin,
a yearning sweet,
(i am its kin.)

a resonance not won
with bloody spite &
much bravado,
but simple yet
as switching on
a light.
(gladdened by the
bounty of new
sight.)
if i may deem
to interfere
in steps held hallow,
i would revere,
to say but this—
a comfort to my heart
to ease upon my
vision—being—your own
dear art.
[a sweetness & an essence
i’d love to play a part.]

rolling stone

2011-01-05T00:04:00.004-07:00

how enlivening.

every day gets to feel like today has.

gym with shamoire at 7 am.
ate only things my body would respond well to--brought stuff with me=zero food panic.
spent all day working on a collaborative play.
i love theatre. i may not even be good at it; i have no idea. but it is my passion, and that's reason enough to try.
got to center the whole cast--sans romboire who apparently has an aversion to white healing light.
semi-won over someone who disliked me by being honest. let go of some old negative feelings toward someone else.
performed!
snuggled new nephew babuol who has the most incredible piercing eyes. and they're the same color as mine and dad's! :) snuggled mia, jamie, kiki and the smoll on that tiny hospital bed.
i am entirely exhausted. tomorrow, i get to keep the momentum up!

i will:

gym with shams again, 7 am
finish game plan
put together dream poster/vision tree
follow up on/turn in more applications and resumes
call gary about dma for trade
write acceptance letter to regain student aid...
maybe finalize things on my manuscript; i.e., table of contents weirdness
be super kind to lintle manguie
finish last drawing for set? commence painting?
visit mia
sing aaaaalllll daaaaaayyyy loooongggg.

i am SO EXCITED about these upcoming things:

acting for film
dma--this year is gonna kick major butt!
LAUGHING MATTERS! i love my boys! whoop!
actf!
work!
my body getting stronger!
EVERYTHIIIIING! xD

ffffwing!

2011-01-02T15:42:00.003-07:00

i'm actually getting a job this week. i've filled out applications, and i'm bent on it. it feels different. i want it.
school starts for me on thurs. i can handle two days a week. also, my schedule is brilliantly orchestrated this time so that the class i really want is first and super early. then laughing matters. then dream makers. wham. three obligations out of the way on the same two days. awesome.
then, i can work the other 5, and they'll be much happier about letting me off for workshops and theatre things since i have such wide availability.
also, living at home means paying back/getting onto a regular budget so much easier! whoop!
plus i'll keep moving in all aspects of my life. this is more exciting than overwhelming because i'm saying no to things for real this go-around.
oh man. i'm about to get so busy in the best way.
i love bullet points.

the worth of a soul

2010-12-21T03:22:00.009-07:00

christ stated that god notices and cares for even the lowliest sparrow.

he continued that if a supreme being would provide for and love even a tiny bird, how much more worth is a human soul?

what if christ really meant everything he said?

i have rediscovered some of my gifts and clarified some of my purposes--in my family, in the grand scheme of life and in the (limited) part of the path i can see from this point.

one of my main spiritual gifts is hope.

it sounds simplistic, but it makes perfect sense for the tailored role i play in my family and what i feel i'm to do with people and over the course of mortality.

another of my roles is to kick and scream.

i am where i am to call attention. to not let things slide by and be swept under the rug.

and as vulnerable as this is for me, i am committing to being the same person everywhere. i am now holding this stance everywhere, and to prove it, i'll make this readily available.

the truth of the matter is that i love you.

everyone.

the truth is that i am taking a stand. i will go to bat for you every time--even and especially against yourself.

i love and respect myself, you and the process of life too much to accept a lesser version of either of us. i honor you too much to let you dim your light and hide out. i see your power and the immense influence you are here to grace the world with, and i am your advocate. (even when you trigger the hell out of me.) as dylan thomas said, "do not go gentle into that good night/rage, rage against the dying of the light." i will not let you end with a whimper rather than a bang.

you are a gift.

you are here to effect change.

you are here--where you are--when you are--who you are--for a reason.

i don't have all the answers for you, but i'm more than happy to air my opinions and insights if you ask for them (or pause for breath).

we are all here to compliment and contrast each others' unique gifts and lessons.

the truth about each individual is the exact opposite of what they are most afraid is true about them.

for example, i am lovable.

i do deserve the caliber of love i desperately hope is possible.

i have the power to create that experience in my little finger--let alone what is capable with the rest of my immense being on board--and so does every being breathing.

the truth is that i have fastened my jaws like a pitbull around you in your power, and i will hold you there even when rigor mortis sets it because this is the honest-to-god, hand on the bible reality of existence:

you are in control.

and as a soul who, at one point or another, loved me and agreed to come into my space to help

me learn and be my greatness, i expect and demand that you hold me to it. if you respect me at all, i will not settle for anything less than being held in my complete power as a creator and an ancient, wise, joyful soul. if you love me, you will tell me the truth. you will call attention to my patterns. you will give me loving, constructive, ruthlessly honest feedback. you will facilitate me on my path to blessing all of creation. gary acevedo says, "you can either care about people, or you can care what they think. you can't do both." even if you're afraid it may upset me, you must honor me enough to be truthful with me. i promise, you are doing me an eternal service by providing me the opportunity to learn my lessons NOW.

thank you for being your gift in my life and allowing me to be mine.

(insert namaste here.)

Sartre thoughts to chew on:

"in choosing, i choose for all people."

"am i he who has the right to act such that humanity regulates itself by my acts?"

Neitzche/Acevedo/Rush:

"it was" < "thus i willed it." = accountability = the freeing truth that, at any point, you can transform the entire world by simply making a different choice.

oh look, a distraction!

2010-12-13T03:26:00.002-07:00

welp. i WANT to sleep; really, i do!

but i'm just too excited! about life! and... everything! aaaaaa!

i'm entirely snuggled in bed... blogging. ha. cuz if i weren't doing it this way, i'd end up writing my journal like a real, tangible human, and then i'd just hit some never-ending well of poetry that MUST BE WRITTEN RIGHT THIS MOMENT or drawing for another 10 hours or something.

insomnia is so annoying!

but useful for doing alll the things i wouldn't normally do if i were a functional human.

like watching dexter on netflicks.

or keeping a hawk-eye on facebook and twitter.

and eating empty calories.

you know, really important things.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

seriously though, besides being basically nocturnal, i feel so much like myself the last few days especially. like my whole self. i'm super motivated and enthusiastic and creative. i feel like i'm being my gift. genuine, y'know.

anyway, ramble ramble ramble.

paradox: "i'll sleep when i'm dead" vs. i'll die without sleep.

discuss.

no. sleep.

no, sleep!

no sleep!

wheeee!

so really though.

first thing in the morning (REAL morning), i'm gonna really check in and get my game plan all ironed out. then, gym. then, grocery shopping. then, job hunt. then, dma christmas party. then, robbie's monte cristo/meteor shower party.

also, i finally feel settled in my life course mostly! i'm going to get my theatre degree. i'm an actress, and i intend to stay that way. theatre is the only thing i feel like i can discuss fully competently, and much more importantly, i feel myself light up when i talk about it. so i'm gonna let my inner child choose and just go for it. i think i can do well at it.

this is all non-thought out word vomit, obviously. i'm not gonna edit it, so there.

holy hannah, the rate this is going at, i feel like i'm on speed.

which i'm not.

actually, as i've mentioned, i'm on my bed, so i want to utilize that.

sleep sweet, my two readers. ha.

deja vu

2010-12-10T03:51:00.002-07:00

i feel alive.

and horrified at how late it is.

but mostly alive.

the hazards of love

2010-12-07T02:54:00.002-07:00

welp. maybe i'm just destined to write short stories.

i'm eternally grateful to know that--down to the minutia--what i want to my core exists.

promises, promises

2010-12-05T01:04:00.004-07:00

moving is hard because i can never know for certain when i'll need what.

suddenly, here i am: in bed at 1 am, obsessing over something or other, and it strikes.

the need to create.

and here i am, in my clean, quirky room without a craft supply in sight.

not so much as a sketch book or journal this side of the storage unit.

and so, i'll blog as i have no better option.

this year, i take on my life or die trying.

i take that back. there is no out.

the only choice is this: i get the blessings i came for.

i will travel my soul.

i couldn't be more excited about this upcoming track of dream makers.

this week was my blast off weekend where we had an intense "inner-view" in which we get to the bottom of what we really want to dedicate the next year of our lives to. again, it would be physically impossible for me to be more elated at the challenges and gifts upcoming. this is the big leagues now; this is real life.

i'm going to publish my first poetry collection.

i'm going dedicate myself to my growth whole-heartedly--holding nothing back. my entire life really does hang in the balance.

i am going to shift my self-concept. i am going to know that i deserve what i want and that i can have it.

i will be impeccable in every facet of my life.

i will make glorious, burning, cometesque mistakes, and i will clean them up.

and i will survive.

and i will love every moment of it like the insufferable optimist i was born.

i will not take one instant for granted. i will not play small and squander every moment i have like gold or pure elements at my finger tips--like god's playdough factory.

i will learn to catch myself seeing people as statistics and their nonsense. i will hold them in their power and their glory as objectively as i can for the life they've created and with every ounce of empathy in my being for how hard that creation can be.

i will sing the good news. as my favorite historical friend said, "don't waste yourself in rejection, nor bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of the good." (i can't WAIT to talk to this man heart to heart.)

i will take every opportunity i'm given to praise and love the brains out of every being i encounter. life is too _________ to be negative, and i personally have no excuse for it. i'm too damned good at finding the lesson and the blessing to get off the hook.

i will step up to the plate and love life as if it hangs in the balance.

i will be truthful and kind about what i'm looking for and continually honest and gracious about what works for me or doesn't.

i will be ceaselessly compassionate to myself.

i will be my own best friend.

i will not let myself or anyone else show up as anything less than the incredible gifts we are.

i will be my word. i will be a reliable phone buddy.

i will not take pets i can't foresee keeping forever.

i will focus on one thing at a time and know that i will do everything eventually.

i will take whatever comes with great trust.

i will play at a master level, for that is who i am. this is the truth about me.

i'm ready.

i will learn to allow others to truly love me.

you're welcome.

2010-12-01T11:42:00.001-07:00

oh dear.

2010-11-10T23:51:00.000-07:00

ghunh!hfvcvbkhfxg//.'m

2010-11-09T00:03:00.002-07:00

guess what i did this morning...

she's got gold doorknobs where her eyes used to be

2010-11-03T23:07:00.005-06:00

...yeah, one turn and i learn what it really is to see.

things i've learned in the last few weeks:

the impossible is possible.
i am extremely independent.
the love of my life is a real person, and as i clean up and polish my life, he only gets closer to showing up.
hypoglycemia is a built-in way to make me be present and check in with my body. fantastic!
everything with a motivation is worthwhile.
nothing has to be scary, or rather, fear of a thing does not make it insurmountable.
i am free of others' incompletions.
i am naturally very grounded.
i'm writing the story and therefore have the ability to make it exactly the experience i want.
there honestly is something to be grateful for in everything.
with a little insight, even the lessons are blessings in disguise. looking for the sweetheart message of every obstacle entirely transforms every upset.
i really can say no and mean it without being mean.
i have more control the more i set my own intention within whatever external box i may find myself in.
work actually DOES = freedom. my life really will turn around incredibly quickly by just choosing into a job and keeping a goal. it's not a tomb; it's a tool.
paradigm is everything. shift that, and the streets are paved with gold. every word is a promise, every push an embrace.
caring for others is a gift--not an obligation, and they're perfectly capable of taking care of themselves.
i can take care of myself! i'm a free agent!

remember these?

2010-11-03T21:15:00.003-06:00

iTunes = Shuffle!
GO!

What makes me happy is: rose - a perfect circle

My last words will be: so long, farewell - rogers & hammerstein

My family is described by the song: wings of forgiveness - india.arie

My make-out song is: she looks through empty windows - the apples in stereo

What I did last night was: wonderful - everclear

If I reached the top of Mount Everest, what I would scream: there's a world - neil young

Behind my back, my friends think I'm: gallery piece - of montreal

To cheer myself up I: sinkin' annie down, down, down, down - the republic tigers

My innermost desire is: young pilgrims - the shins

My love of life was inspired by the song: hail to whatever you found in the sunlight - rilo kiley

My best friend is like: scatterbrain. (as dead as leaves.) - radiohead

Next time I'm in front of a crowd, I'll say: i thought i saw your face today - she & him

The best thing about me is: don't say goodbye - csn&y

My deepest secret is: science vs. romance - rilo kiley

At my funeral they'll play: map of your head - muse

If I got lost on a desert island, I would yell: drama queen - the new amsterdams

My day will be like: i don't want to stop - ozzy osborn

Happiness is: been let down - mazzy star

When I'm in the shower, I sing: free to be... you and me - the new seekers

My ultimate song for dancing is: you can call me al - simon and garfunkel

This song will be playing when I meet the love of my life: an animated description of mr. maps - the books

My birth was like: one more with feeling - regina spektor

Highschool was like: that would be something - paul mccartney

When I'm drunk I say: wild world - cat stevens

How will you die?: lost! - coldplay

Somewhere in my wedding vows, I will include: i died so i could haunt you - stars

My Soul Is: i'm standing in the light - dr. dog

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

So, here's how it works:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc).
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question, type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button.
6. Don't lie.

Waking Up:
"late morning lullaby" brandi carlisle (wow really?)

Falling In Love:
"butterfly" delta goodram

Fight Scene:
"shining light" ash

Breaking Up:
"every other time" lfo

Prom:
"hot air balloon" owl city

Life:
"heart it races" architecture in helsinki

Mental Breakdown:
"our swords" band of horses

Driving:
"good man" josh ritter

Flashback:
"bicycle race" queen

Getting back together:
"your love = math" the devil whale

Wedding:
"hanging on a star" nick drake

Birth of Child:
"intro" tom waits

Final Battle:
"welcome to the machine" pink floyd

End Credits:
"future reflections" mgmt

deep sea exploration

2010-10-25T23:12:00.002-06:00

in the last two days, i've written 12 clean up letters. i'm on a roll!

(...no really though, i'm actually sitting on top of a warm, buttery dinner roll.)

i've only gotten one response so far. understandably hurt, but not condemning. this is survivable. i hope you're listening out there, neverland. it's perfectly safe to own up to the fact that you are sometimes an idiot, a jerk, a sleaze. whatever it is. and even when you totally blow it, you are still a beautiful humanoid. you are still worthy of love and kindness and everything your shiny, puffy pink heart is yearning for. it's exactly what you need to be honest. and actually, all your dreams--big as they are--depend on it.

and SO,

i write. i repent. i confess. i dig. i get extremely uncomfortable.

and i breath easier, my long-estranged power rushing back with every word.

last night, i dreamt of pets. SO many pets. everywhere. i told myself i'd count them later. some were other people's. all kinds. in a big, bright apartment with french doors out onto a balcony. white, billowy curtains and the like. bright, enormous, somewhat stormy sky. and then, my mom was convincing me to jump into the swimming pool two stories below. apparently there was some large cash prize for doing it. i was worried i'd maim myself. i woke before making a decision, but i knew everyone was watching me to see what i decided.

clean up on aisle 5

2010-10-23T23:30:00.002-06:00

as aforementioned, i've undertaken cleaning up all my messes in my life.

please don't be surprised if each and every one of you out there in netherlandia gets a letter from me quite soon. it's because i love you, and i need my consolidated power back. mwah. love you, chipmunks.

hallelujah

2010-10-17T18:06:00.004-06:00

holy hannah.

this has been the. most. incredible. week.

i just finished the spirit of the awakened warrior workshop.

i am not the same person i was last week.

i am committed to cleaning up all of my messes in the next month.

i am committed to living in THIS moment--clean, perfect, vulnerable and genuine.

i thrive on feedback.

i take my life into my own hands.

thank you thank you thank you!

and i'm flying to florida tomorrow to see this band.

aaaand a little eye/soul candy. ha.

vegan cream cheese

2010-10-14T17:09:00.003-06:00

i'm learning to cook. and in a way that allows me to actually feel good!

i had a wild hair to try sliced bell peppers with fake cream cheese. it's not what i'd imagined. guess i get to shop around for one that doesn't taste like clay. this is exciting!

and gluten free, dairy free mac & cheese. :) my body is thrilled. also, i'm finding it doesn't have to take hours.

i'm doing a workshop called spirit of the awakened warrior. it's about lowering defensiveness, and BOY howdy am i being provided with things to lower it on! i'm having nightmares.

i'm terrified to say this, but bring it on. i'm already out of the airplane anyway.

minor characters

2010-10-02T02:03:00.005-06:00

as panic subsides, so--it would seem--does my motivation.

i guess i'll study for my test sometime tomorrow?... eeeeyeah.

also, amid watching film after film after film, i'm struck by the oddness that is the sabin's role in our lives. i see him everywhere. he is constantly coming up in casual conversation. we joke about him. we lore of him. matt says he's a celebrity. if so, he is a self-proclaimed one. meh. enfp. (shrug.) the point is this; is it a sign we finally just break down and befriend him, or is it mere coincidence that this supplementary individual is forever, irritatingly, in the peripheral of my life?

furthermore, it's about time to just make something. just make it. whatever shape that may take--my own, a movie, a degree, get my book publish, start on my novel--whatever. whatEVER it is, i'm practically being devoured by metaphorical fire ants WAITING. rotting in my body like a phoenix;;;READY!

so PLEASE, by all means, strike a match; i'm flammable. i'm nearly luminous.

MOOOooooo;;;ooon!

last thought--my dad is a freaking wizard, and i think he NEEDS this.

scarves of red tied 'round their throats

2010-09-29T00:01:00.000-06:00

Yet another thing to love about Fleet Foxes. This is so fable-ish. Three things I love most represented here: claymation, perfect action-music synchronizing, whimsy. Not to mention the sheer genius and beautiful carry out of the metaphor itself. Marry me.

if your life had a face, i'd punch it.

2010-09-25T17:59:00.006-06:00

another anecdote for you (whomever 'you' might be--presumably herin.)

so last night, ki, mant, shamoir and i went to the midnight show of scott pilgrim at the dollar theater. being an avid fan of michael cera as well as hyperbole, it was lovely.

the weird part of this episode was when, after the film, alex and tyler--who is michael cera's doppelganger--showed up. i was a tiny bit concerned it'd be weird to see tyler since a recent spat.

however, this weirdness was trumped by someone else calling my name. i was then ambushed by three spirits of high school buried: andrew, followed by kenny and levi. for all intents and purposes, these were 3 of my *evil exes surrounding me in the theater immediately after scott pilgrim. i should've just taken a leaf from peter pan's book and "hopped off in a comical fashion and never gone near the spot again." instead, i felt myself getting locked into banal, stale, logistical conversation and selling out to small talk with someone who i thought i'd never have to see again. (bear in mind that this kid was awful to me for four years.)

and then, i came-to. i said, "this is the most boring conversation of my life. is there anything real happening in your life? can we talk about that?" taken aback, andrew said, "yeah..." i proceeded, "are you dating anyone?...that's boring. you're supposed to say you're engaged. well can we pretend? oh, you're ENGAGED?! that's AWESOME! is she a great girl? wonderful." i may have gone a bit far at some point after that because he looked a little wounded. i think the score is fairly even though seeing as he mostly just whined about how he was supposed to hang out with suzie on friday and then she said she couldn't, yadda yadda.

so there.

*for the record, i never technically dated them. i went on dates with kenny, took levi to junior prom and obsessed over andrew for two years. i did invest a lot of time and energy there. furthermore, kenny was always extremely nice to me, and levi apologized for his craziness. also, they were all best friends. odd life choices, mang.

stupid whoregon.

2010-09-22T16:01:00.004-06:00

well. stinky little herin is moving today.

and by stinky, i mean wonderful and movingful.

:( happy forest! bon voyage!

owooga

2010-09-17T01:14:00.003-06:00

weirdest dream of my life night before last.

i dreamed that i was dating patrick stuart. in a wheelchair. and he wanted to marry me.

however, i realized over the course of the dream that this was a pattern, and i didn't actually want to marry him. i knew that i was just playing house because it didn't feel real. so i knew i had to say something in that moment or marry him. i panicked at this. but i did it! i said, "you're a great guy, but i don't want to marry you. i don't know if you'd be fun enough for me. i need someone who can keep up with me." and in my head, "and you're intj... and in a wheelchair." he was like, "yeah, you're right." i woke up and thought, "what the?..." but this is a major breakthru for me! i never overcome my obstacles in my dreams! i actually did what i felt i needed to! i take it as a very good sign.

and i've also developed a love for neil patrick harris.

crisp

2010-09-12T18:33:00.002-06:00

fall

begins

concluding chapters

of springsummermanic

unfinish;

crisply bowed up

in neat little tendrils

of pumpkin,

beseeching the spicy

earth

mother,

{giver of all}

to--once more--

unfurl

her blazing skirts

in tunes of

rusts & squash,

cold sun and amber.

the breath before

the song.

Prelude

the great dance

or fruition,

completion----

birth of

the next beginning.

Finally, someone gets math!

2010-09-07T15:09:00.002-06:00

And even better, I get to bring home Bones and Francois tonight! xD Viva la kitties!

Nostalgia

2010-08-31T13:33:00.009-06:00

Ahhhh, school. There are so many reasons why I enjoy being back at my beloved ama mater. The memories I've stashed in various nooks and classrooms are fun to recall. For example, freshman year, I had sushi for the first time--one vegetarian roll, mind you--and came back to campus for rehearsal or something. I projectily vomited in the ladies room not 20 yards from this computer lab. You can't buy memories like that.

And let's not forget all the hallways I slept in, the terrible lunches I bought, devoured and regretted, the various boys I followed around, the English classes I signed up for and dropped each semester...

Never grow up! Never surrender! <3

(Image, circa summer 2009, by Brinty from her album "How Many People Can We Fit Into This Room Contest.")

Put it in your pockey...

2010-08-11T00:24:00.003-06:00

Oh glorious! Thursday night is the Perseids--the brightest, sleenest meteor shower of the year! A bunch of us watched it at our friend Andy's farm last year waaaaay out in hella south far away from the glowing radiation of city haze. I am SO excited!

Also, my weight loss plan is coming along well. I see definite shifts in my body already which is awesome. I've started another blog to map my progress. My calves hurt like there's no tomorrow when I try to walk.

I applied at Texas Roadhouse, and I'm checking back in tomorrow.

Soon, I ought to move back to my house. I've been at my mom's for like 2 weeks unintentionally.

I spent the first half of my day obsessively researching flappers and the second half watching Anne of Green Gables the Sequel and then obsessively researching L. M. Montgomery and trying to type Gilbert Blythe. Montgomery is infp, and Gil is typeless. My prospects are much diminished.

HOLY HELL.

2010-08-03T01:37:00.003-06:00

WATCH. THESE. You will not regret it--especially you, Cory and Katie.

NOW.

goodness knows, it's been a wonderful run.

2010-05-10T03:27:00.002-06:00

i give up.

i'm going to bed.

probably here at my parents' house.

where have all the good men gone?

next step: lead a life of joy rather than atrophy. the unintended life must still be earned.

on my plate

2010-04-12T09:44:00.004-06:00

this is my rough 5-year plan. not mentioned: publish book, work on novel, the band and somewhere in there, i'll probably get hitched. i love my life!

"an optimist is the human personification of spring." --susan j. bissante

currently: massage

up next: impact

{san fran?}

then: steppenwolf

{slc?}

then: more massage - master bodyworker course

then: 10 sessions

then: mission!

{berkley?}

THEN: donna eden

2010-03-02T19:58:00.002-07:00

eff eff eff eff.

on the plus side, spring is coming.
find out about my book sometime this month.
school will be okay.

think i took the go-to-sleep pills this morning instead of the wake-up pills. oops.
laptop on its way!

gotta love weird brit rap.

2010-02-14T20:15:00.001-07:00

hero worship

2010-02-02T23:20:00.004-07:00

dear sufjan,

i want your babies.
por favor.
no but really, the frightening prospect of children
doesn't horrify me suddenly.

love, mang

oh joy

2009-12-10T19:11:00.001-07:00

i just found this little gem on KSL. i love trolls sometimes. ha all hail the cat czar!

dust bunnies

2009-11-03T22:05:00.006-07:00

(we will make everything wrong in the right way.)
^ that's what i want.

alright. i'm back. i loved this picture enough to actually blog.

you know, after like 4 months, it gets to the point where i'm intimidated to start again. hm.

so updates:

♥ started--and LOVE--massage school.
♥ looking for a new place/job/car. this will happen. yes. yes.
♥ suzette my dearest is back! so so wonderful.
♥ halloween came and went. the cast of peter pan made an appearance but, as usual, remained largely undocumented.
♥ matt & kay are getting married in like 4 weeks.
♥ i'm planning the most amazing road trip EVER with robbie for the week after christmas. awesome. so so excited!
♥ making lots of new friends through school.
♥ taking actual steps toward life plans.
♥ moving out with suz, brinty and her sister emily.
♥ started an etsy store. sold my first hat! dontbecute.
♥ finished and mailed off my poetry manuscript to that contest. cross your fingers!

i love you.

yeeee

2009-08-18T19:50:00.004-06:00

"Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be." --William Hazlitt

"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."

"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it." --Bernard Bailey

"He who hesitates is a damned fool." --Mae West

There are two types of people--those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am!' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.' --Frederick L. Collins

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bv9G_biP7Ww

This is my favorite song right now. Well, one of three.

1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5y15zIAyqM

2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aI4JLa0hbUw

3. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_2rrxONlLo

Plan:
step 1. hit the gym instead of eating emotions=two birds w/1 stone.
step 2. read instead of drowning, catatonically in spiraling stress and ennui.
step 3. temple+scriptures regularly.
step 4. keep social engagements when physically possible.
step 5. mantra="everything is okay." x infinity.
step 6. stick to the effing eating plan. nobody wants to have to re-learn how to talk.
step 7. be productive. start actually planning out my grandiose ideas.
step 8. smile more.
step 9. say thank you more.
step 10. find shrink. i really don't need to tell my mom everything.

just a day just an ordinary day

2009-08-06T22:54:00.004-06:00

kareena zerefos^

woke up for interview. guy called to reschedule.
guy called to say position had been canned. dang.
anne of green gables=me. seriously. in like every way except she's better at studying, is naturally skinny and doesn't have parents. so wheretheheck is my gilbert blythe?!
katie sully!
antiquing
used book store for HOURS reading poetry.
joined by dad
and then mom.
daddy-loves-me-book-session. :)
barnes&noble w/ madre--didn't buy anything. found out my apology love language is making restitution followed closely by genuine repentance. saying sorry isn't good enough--make it up and never do it again. ha
lars & the real girl?
making new journal. :} mwaha

yesterday:

awesome pennyroyal meeting. be excited about events!!! :) :) :)

{seriously though. holding out for gil blythe. hurry up there, guy.}

Breathe

2009-08-05T12:35:00.003-06:00

Today:
-Go running
-Take long bath
-Read
-Work on audition piece
-Watch Some Like It Hot.

Thundercats are go!

HELP!

2009-07-27T14:57:00.003-06:00

I have to sell my apartment contract immediately. Pass these links on to any of your friends who are looking for a place, por favor.
I'm on ksl & craigslist.

2009-07-26T16:30:00.002-06:00

it keeps the nargles away

2009-07-14T17:10:00.002-06:00

here we go again. i can't give up on some people.

also, HARRY POTTER TONIGHT!!!!
:D :D :D :D
pics later.

madre won tickets in some newspaper photo contest... which we don't actually need... since we already have tickets... but whatev...

and my grandma may or may not have had some bizarre stroke-like-thing this morning while watching my niece-phews, so i'm taking over that on friday. intense day.

I ♥ BUCKY!

barracuda!

the girl who lived

2009-07-12T01:58:00.005-06:00

i don't get it.
i'm done making excuses for people who don't give anything back. and it hurts to be at that point.
more than anything in the world, i hate ends. there, i said it. (not that this is a shock to anyone.)

on the plus side, this happened today.

just when i thought i couldn't be more obsessed with my brother, this happened. ha. we went to jana's harry potter party, and we stopped at allen's to get a treat to bring. he made me go in like this. awesome. and then this golden exchange happened.

cashier: harry potter, huh?
meg: uh huh.
cashier: that's embarrassing.
meg: says you!
cashier: i guess so. i love harry potter too.
meg: uh huh. sure you do.
cashier: hey woah, i thought we could be friends!
meg: not if you're embarrassed.
matt: that's embarrassing? you're a cashier. she's a wizard.
cashier: that's a good point. but I hope she's a witch.
matt: you got me there, man.

aaaaaaa!

my my my

2009-07-11T09:42:00.004-06:00

little white rabbit
sunrise

littlewhiterabbit
oh,you-think-you're-clear
mindingyour[own business]dear

the {blossoming earth} could not be
so unkind

day-heat/
crowds of smiling/
over-zealous mothers/
tying streamers in pigtails/
the smell of fry-bread/
everyone a winner/

andthatlongback
theplantedstance

rabbitwhitelittle
littlerabbitwhite
elttil.etihw.tibbar

there goes your heart again
at an unexpected glimpse
of the ::glittering sun::

hunted
without intent
{by accident}

Great show.
I've never been to a show with meaner audience-members, but the bands were awesome.

Saw Jumpers yesterday. So freaking creepy. I LOVED it.
Hung out with Matt. Realized that fitting in doesn't mean being the same as everyone else. We can't all occupy the same spot in the puzzle, but we all belong.
In bed by midnight. Up at 9:30! It's a friggin miracle!
Waiting for Jaron to call me so we can go to lunch... We'll see how that goes.

Where do you go when you're lonely?
Where do you go when you're blue?
Where do you go when you're lonely?
I'll follow you
When the stars go blue.

and it's love that'll steal your soul like the devil's own

2009-07-09T15:08:00.003-06:00

I knew July would be a phenomenal month.

If only for the mere fact that I'm CHOOSING to be happy, it's better already. :) Imagine that.

Happily, however, that is NOT the only reason. Ha.

MUSIC! HOLY CRAP, the local scene is SO FREAKING GOOD! I dunno why, but I love love love shows. Live music=ecstatic Meg. So last night, we went to some random free show at Greywhale and saw: Code Hero, Desert Noises & RuRu--all of whom were amazing. And TONIGHT! Oh, glorious night! We're seeing Bon Iver in SLC for free as well.

My gosh, I LOVE summer!

And M. Ward is coming in two weeks!

And then there was the Freedom Fest. I love that.

Plus, I read my scriptures yesterday, and everything kinda fell into place from there. Funny how that happens. Ha. Also yesterday, I watched Heima by Sigur Ros again. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Thank you, God, for functioning ears.

I HAVE to write to Suzette.

Hopelandic

2009-07-07T15:47:00.004-06:00

This will change the way you look at everything.

Sigur Ros - Glosoli (English)

Now you are waking up
Everything seems different
I look around
But I see nothing at all

Tie my shoes so
Is she still in her pajamas?
In a dream she was born
I'm startled
But the sun, is it her?
Where is she? In here?

But where are you?...

Go for a walk (I go for a walk)
And roam the streets
Can't see a thing (I can't see a thing)
And so I use the stars
She runs endlessly
And climbs out thus
She's the Glowing Sun
And comes out

I awake from a dream
To find my heart pounding, my hair tousled
Step out in front of the bed and see filthy shoes

And here you are, I'm feeling
And here you are, Glowing Sun
And here you are, Glowing Sun
And here you are, Glowing Sun
And here you are...

Sigur Ros - Hoppipolla (English)

smiling
spinning in circles
holding hands
the world is a blur
except when you're standing

dripping wet
completly soaked
no rubberboots
running inside of us
wants to burst out of the shell

wind in
and the smell of your hair
i hit as hard as i can
with my nose
jumping into a puddle
wearing no boots
completely soaked (dripping wet)
wearing no boots

and i get a nosebleed
but i'll always stand up again
(hopelandic)

and i get a nosebleed
but i'll always stand up again
(hopelandic)

Birches - Robert Frost

2009-07-03T02:50:00.001-06:00

When I see birches bend to left and right
Across the lines of straighter darker trees,
I like to think some boy's been swinging them.
But swinging doesn't bend them down to stay.
Ice-storms do that. Often you must have seen them
Loaded with ice a sunny winter morning
After a rain. They click upon themselves
As the breeze rises, and turn many-coloured
As the stir cracks and crazes their enamel.
Soon the sun's warmth makes them shed crystal shells
Shattering and avalanching on the snow-crust
Such heaps of broken glass to sweep away
You'd think the inner dome of heaven had fallen.
They are dragged to the withered bracken by the load,
And they seem not to break; though once they are bowed
So low for long, they never right themselves:
You may see their trunks arching in the woods
Years afterwards, trailing their leaves on the ground,
Like girls on hands and knees that throw their hair
Before them over their heads to dry in the sun.
But I was going to say when Truth broke in
With all her matter-of-fact about the ice-storm,
I should prefer to have some boy bend them
As he went out and in to fetch the cows--
Some boy too far from town to learn baseball,
Whose only play was what he found himself,
Summer or winter, and could play alone.
One by one he subdued his father's trees
By riding them down over and over again
Until he took the stiffness out of them,
And not one but hung limp, not one was left
For him to conquer. He learned all there was
To learn about not launching out too soon
And so not carrying the tree away
Clear to the ground. He always kept his poise
To the top branches, climbing carefully
With the same pains you use to fill a cup
Up to the brim, and even above the brim.
Then he flung outward, feet first, with a swish,
Kicking his way down through the air to the ground.
So was I once myself a swinger of birches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a pathless wood
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping
From a twig's having lashed across it open.
I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over.
May no fate wilfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
Not to return. Earth's the right place for love:
I don't know where it's likely to go better.
I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree,
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk
Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,
But dipped its top and set me down again.
That would be good both going and coming back.
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches.

I love you Ben!!!!!

2009-07-03T02:09:00.001-06:00

• How You Survived the War • | by The Weepies

You never change your mind
Once it's made up
Unless it's to crawl back on your knees

Is that the way you wanted?
You get back to the wall and put your hands up
It's a hold up
You give up like every time before
That is how you survived the war

You rarely multiply
Always division
You give yourself the least of parts
I put on my green felt hat
Like our provisions
Playing a merry prince of fears

Is that the way you wanted?
You get back to the wall and put your hands up
It's a hold up
You give up like every time before
That is how you survived the war

You're not gonna lose this one
You don't have to cut and run
I think you can choose to love and what is more
That is how you survived the war

Now in a summer's day
Spring of ripe and plum
How will you live under the sun?
You follow the open road
Remembering the guns
When you get lost under the trees

Is that the way you wanted?
You get back to the wall and put your hands up
It's a hold up
You give up like every time before
That is how you survived the war (x2)

You never change your mind
Once it's made up

Duh, Meg

2009-06-29T13:29:00.003-06:00

I think I've figured out that I learn by example.

I don't have to do everything myself to know whether it's a good or bad decision.

I've recently learned that God shows me this strongly through "what not to do" examples. I.E., this person is deranged; you probably shouldn't take everything they say as gospel.

or

This individual's smile doesn't reach the back of their eyes when they talk about certain things. Avoid those things.

But, I'm back on track! Temple 2x this week, church Sunday, JOB JOB JOB JOB JOB.

The plan v. 5.0

2009-06-24T18:41:00.001-06:00

Step 1: Get JOB.

Step 2: Iron out school plans.

Step 3: Stop being a masochist.

Step 4: Figure out fall living arrangements.

Thundercats are go!

Close my eyes

2009-06-23T16:54:00.001-06:00

dude.

2009-06-22T21:51:00.003-06:00

(a few unedited pics from the shoot with jeff blake.)

it's finally happened. the ghetto-ness of my phone has forced me to evolve. i'm currently HOLDING my phone onto the charger to make it charge with my right hand while i do everything else with my left.

what a crafty monkey i am. :) ha.

also. i bought TONS of rad vintage clothes from savers today.

also also, i NEED a harry potter marathon, or i'll die. yes, i'm now full-blown neurotic.

ran errands with marge all day. had a dead phone for like 5 hours and didn't care too much. realized my grandma rings worn on the same hand look like a wedding set. oops. no bueno if i'm wanting to date. jammed with matt and kay. played the keyboard on the cello setting to matt's rad creepy song. SO FUN!

pffff. i'm basically ambidextrous by now.

bitchin!

Insidious

2009-06-20T12:47:00.001-06:00

Just when you think it's safe to fall off the diet wagon in a big way,
no.

Stupid milk.

sweet tarts

2009-06-15T20:12:00.004-06:00

great month thus far:
♥ open mic
♥ gallery stroll
♥ friends friends friends
♥ threw a party w/ jar for katie loveless: fireworks, carnival, the great cake fiasco.
♥ that game night soiree with like 80 people crammed into kay & brit's.
♥ reading by the fountains in the quad.
♥ photo shoot with jeff blake yesterday.
♥ finished Peter Pan.
♥ matt & kay's kitten.
♥ learning italian!
♥ energy therapy workshop. WHOOP!
♥ saw mark johnson!
♥ INCREDIBLE sigur ros documentary. they own my soul--officially.

up next:
♥ i wanna start hiking.
♥ botb thurs.

wing it

2009-06-05T13:50:00.004-06:00

(Matt looks exactly like the principle from Ferris Bueller.)

things that make me feel peaceful in my life right now:

rain
recording
hugs
books
stroll
friends
phone calls
blessings
free facial
rainboo umbrella
other people's ideal relationships progressing
the bitchinest people ever in my life.
the possibility of a job at the Journey
FOUR MONTHS

soon we'll be found

2009-06-03T13:10:00.005-06:00

Band shot.

Matt doesn't even TRY to be photogenic, and he is. Damn people and their naturally interesting photos.

Yeah, I finally bought it.

Matt QOTD: "Facebook is so weird. It's like a shoebox full of souls--you know what I mean?"

I made this perfect egg. Oh yes.

♥ It's been a really interesting week!
♥ I feel like I'm making some real life progress though.

Numb -- Sia

I saw you cry today
The pain may fill you
I saw you shying away
The pain will not kill you

You made me smile today
You spoke in many voices
We travelled miles today
Shared expressions
Voiceless

It has to end
Living in your head without anything to numb you
Living on the edge without anything to numb you
It has to end to begin

Began an end today
Gave and got given
You made a friend today
Kindred soul
Cracked spirit

It has to end to begin
Living in your head without anything to numb you
Living on the edge without anything to numb you
It had to end to begin

Living in your head without anything to numb you
Living on the edge without anything to numb you

Living in your head without anything to numb you
Living on the edge without anything to numb you

It has begun

ex-parrot

2009-05-30T14:41:00.002-06:00

Blessings:

♥ Closure. Thank you, thank you, Jar. BFF.
♥ My car is finally gone. Sucks, but now I can find a junker. After I get a job. Eesh.
♥ Ben's coming down today! Whoop!
♥ Already filled out like 80 applications.
♥ Gooood friends.

What do you do when your car dies halfway up Provo canyon? You turn it into a photo shoot. It's only a bad day if you let it get to you--otherwise, it's an adventure. Ha.

it's the same in any language

2009-05-28T01:52:00.003-06:00

"Don't be dismayed at good-byes.
A farewell is necessary before you can meet again,
after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends."
— Richard Bach

"You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you."
—Frederick Buechner

"How do you say goodbye to someone you can't imagine living without? You don't say good bye... you just walk away."
— The Bluberry Nights

♥ one huge {emotional} obstacle down. i survived.
♥ i've realized that if he really wanted to be involved, he would be.
♥ thank any pagan god you like, i have great friends, and more and more keep popping out of the proverbial woodwork.
♥ step two: stop thinking.
♥ step three: focus on making my life what i want it to be for myself.

Good-bye [for now], sweets.
I will miss your lips and everything attached to them.

blue skies bring tears

2009-05-27T16:48:00.002-06:00

I feel so empowered.

Thank you, Katie Loveless, for always being there in transitions.

& thank you, Stevie for sending me this video.

{fortune cookie}

2009-05-22T01:29:00.007-06:00

Life: if you're bored, you're doing it wrong.

peter pan

2009-05-18T20:46:00.004-06:00

growing up is scary for a few reasons beyond having to fix your own material problems.

#1. nobody can tell you what to do. allow me to elaborate. people will frequently try to tell you what they think you should do, but in the end, YOU and you alone have to sort through all the garbage and decide. few things are handed to you, and fewer still are worth having.

#2. you have to take initiative & do the right thing. adults are always talking about doing the right thing. well, the right thing is rarely easy and generally not enjoyable at first.

there is an up-side. it gets easier. once you do a thing, you have the satisfaction of knowing that it was both right & well-thought-out. anything potentially final is scary, but it doesn't have to be terminal. and anyway, what is the natural of finality? taking that first leap into the unknown is terrifying, but it's a bit like a roller coaster. it has to go back up eventually!

Never was a cornflake girl. Thought that was a good solution: hangin' with the raisin girls.

2009-05-18T04:19:00.005-06:00

This is what I needed.

God is listening. He answers. I got my recommend today. It's the first peace I've had in a long time. I'm going tomorrow! Nothing is keeping me out ever again!
My friends are so supportive. I've realized that I'd gotten really good at blending in--pretending to be a normal girl. I'M NOT. Definitely not. No more! Got processed. I can be myself--WEIRD--and be okay with it. If it's too much for someone then they need to re-evaluate, not me. I'm the one who has to live with myself 24/7. They can always check out if they need to, and I won't blame them. However, they WILL miss out on a lot. I just want to open their eyes to the beautiful inconsistencies all around! Also cuddle. Lots.
I think my body is starting to heal. HALLELJAH. Thank you, Trina! Thank you, 5,000+ supplements every day! Thank you, Jesus!
Massage school in Oct!
Still looking for a job, but it'll happen. Faith!
He hasn't forgotten me. It sure FEELS like it sometimes, but he hasn't. That's a comfort. You know, even if nothing happens ever again, I know I did my best. I've tried SO HARD, and I've given more than 100%--I've given all of myself I felt like he could handle. I love him. It's that simple. But if that love has to be as a friend I'll always be concerned for and want the very, very, very best for, then I'll learn to deal with it because there'll be someone who's a perfect fit for him. And how can I resent him being with someone else if it'll make him perfectly happy? I can't. And there'll be that for me too. And if it IS him, then things will work out. Anyway, I guess I can't really know for sure until we're both out whole selves (or at least a little closer.) Either way, figuring out what the heck to do in the mean-time is the hard part.
Service. Opportunities are everywhere.
Talents--use 'em!
Relationships of all kinds--cherish and strengthen them.
Listen to my body: it doesn't lie about its needs. Be gentle with yourself.

Where Does the Good Go -- T&S

2009-05-17T00:42:00.003-06:00

Where do you go, with your broken heart in tow?
What do you do with the left over you?
How do you know, when to let go?
Where does the good go? Where does the good go?

Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go
Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken
It won't happen

It's love that leaves and breaks
The seal of always thinking you would be
Real happy, and healthy, strong and calm
Where does the good go? Where does the good go?

Where do you go when you're in love, and the world knows?
How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down?
When do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down?
Where does the good go? Where does the good go?

Good things in my life:

aspen & the whistlers
my amazing girly-friends
my fam
landscaping + with it, the beginning of a tan (albeit with ridiculous lines)
we can always kill time at the pennyroyal--and usually do
processing--guess i can finally be myself comfortably
SUPPLEMENTS & with them a light at the end of the tunnel
a [semi-]clear career path
i already own the sheet music to la fille aux cheveux de lin
brazil isn't so TERRIBLY far away
the gospel
sleep
a little more confidence

Things to improve on:

a little MORE more confidence
bloody freaking communication in general
master emotions (not like spock)
stick to stupid diet
work out once in a blue friggin moon
go see winwards (TUES&WEDS!!)
volunteer
get steady job
smile more
be a more reliable friend
learn to take care of self
learn to not think about situations that are out of my control incessantly
be more spiritually dedicated
don't sell people short

Masochist

2009-05-11T15:10:00.000-06:00

2009-05-06T13:46:00.000-06:00

To a Friend – Amy Lowell

I ask but one thing of you, only one,
That always you will be my dream of you;
That never shall I wake to find untrue
All this I have believed and rested on,
Forever vanished, like a vision gone
Out into the night. Alas, how few
There are who strike in us a chord we knew
Existed, but so seldom heard its tone
We tremble at the half-forgotten sound.
The world is full of rude awakenings
And heaven-born castles shattered to the ground,
Yet still our human longing vainly clings
To a belief in beauty through all wrongs.
O stay your hand, and leave my heart its songs!

2009-05-04T00:38:00.002-06:00

Goal #1: Be. Nice. To. My. Mom.
This is SO HARD for me. I don't know why. It's completely ridiculous. She's the NICEST person alive, but she drives me up the wall. We WANT to be best friends, but every time I let her in, she doesn't know how to respect boundaries. The worst part is that she's going through a LOT of crap.

I hate 90% of talk shows.

2009-05-03T16:10:00.002-06:00

Welcome to this week's installment of Hard Things About Growing Up with your host, Meg!

Paying for crap. Grown-ups pay for their own shiz. (Okay not literally... that would be slang for "stuff.") But bills! And rent! Ohmygosh, renting is getting so old already, and I'm only twenty-one! Madness. And it's just gonna stretch on til I either get hitched or get a stable career and can buy a house. HA. That's a laugh.
Jobs. Ohhhh man. Work looms before me like the gaping, yawning mouth of Hell... spanning decade after decade--or more realistically and probably more daunting, day after day after day after day after day, etc.
Relationships. Let's face it; adult relationships are messy, entangling, complicated things. High school crushes are easy. If somebody [in Utah county] asks you out at my age, it probably means they're interested--or at least testing the water. Gone are the days of, "Hey, I need somebody to come on this bowling date with me." Nope. Y'gotta consider things.
Opinions. Adults have them--generally strong ones on EVERYTHING. And man, I hate politics. What a quagmire. But if I bury my head in the sand, the phrase "it's not my fault" really doesn't apply.
Definitely lines. Can't be wishy-washy anymore. Gotta decide what's important, sacred, true, necessary, etc in my life (or rather, in LIFE in general) and take a stand on that. EEEEP.

But, there are up sides.

I can drive.
I don't live with my mother.
I keep my own hours.
I make my own choices (well, I'm starting to!)
I'm the only one in charge of my own success which is liberating as well as daunting.

...That's about all that comes to mind at present. But hey! Massage school in October! Whoop!

I want to have the Weepies' babies.

2009-05-02T12:24:00.001-06:00

The muppets are a little scary, but this should probably be re-named "Meg's Song."

Friday, I'm in love...

2009-05-02T02:26:00.002-06:00

K. So maybe I had a little fit of self-doubt today. No big. Maybe like a .3 on the Meg scale. Nothing too bad. Just to the point of asking everyone, "Is this okay? I'm making good choices, right? This is the right thing to be doing, isn't it?" So mildly obnoxious, but not too bad.

I am a chakra-clearing fool these days. I LOVE IT.

One thing I know for sure is that I'm on my path. Like, taking real-life, adult steps toward my career--and feeling centered about it. I love helping people. Love feeling like I can because I can help them heal even a little. And it's one thing that I can absolutely feel confident in saying I'm good at it. So yay, there's that. My gosh, it's draining though. I had to literally leap out of bed in order to stop falling asleep over and over and over.

Kay-Kay came over, and I cleared her. That was cool.

Played with the Hermansens. Hated that Jerika's sick. Saw Jar's new purple car. Ha. It's amazing. Bought flowers. Transplanted them. May have to leave them outside which makes me sad. I love the color. We'll see what I can wrangle light-wise.

Went to the stroll with Matt. Missed Neon Trees at Sammy's. The Vibrant Sound played after them, but they were TOTAL shmucks, so we left. Went to the vintage flea market. Bought a belt, shoes and a big, old, red suitcase for $16. Whoop! Sat at the Pennyroyal and watched Matt play Nintendo.

ohmygosh.

So, in July, Bon Iver, Deathcab For Cutie, Andrew Bird and M. Ward are ALL COMING TO SLC! And the very best part is that TWO of those shows are free! Deathcab/Andrew is $38 but SO worth it. I literally scream/gasped three times in the middle of the Penny when I read that.

Saw Ashley Walton's new house. Tried to unlock her creepy cellar with my skeleton key and then a nail file. Ha this girl Katie jiggled the handle and pranced away when it opened. We all checked it out. Super creepy. Made me think of the Orphanage. AUGH.

Then, Matt & I went to see Kay's new house.

All-in-all, a pretty good day.

Some songs hurt to the core.

2009-04-30T02:51:00.002-06:00

I'm not usually a masochist.

2009-04-27T16:22:00.004-06:00

Life, you are mine.
This summer, I will make you my bitch.
Consider yourself warned.

Aaaanyway.

I. feel. so. good.

No, seriously; I mean it.
I feel very centered and focused.
{Elaboration:

♥ My mom and I are like bff these days. It's awesome.
♥ Suzie will be home Oct 3rd-ish!
♥ I finally, finally [FINALLY] know where to go. I have a direction. I have specific landmarks. I-know-what-I'm-doing-with-my-life. (Albeit, college is another story, but to quote Mark Twain, "I've never let my schooling interfere with my education.")
♥ I know I need a degree, goshdangit. I'm working on it.
♥ On a plus side, however, I know what I REALLY need to be doing. And I finally have the resources for it. Madre bought tons of energy things, and they just came. I'm currently reading Energy Medicine: Balancing Your Body's Energies for Optimal Health, Joy and Vitality by Donna Eden. Apparently, she's a bigwig in that field. Anyhoo, I'm excited.
♥ My priorities are finally in order. My fam is a huge part of that.
♥ This summer, I'm going to get healthy. In every aspect of the word. I.E., paying my own bills, figuring out where to live, being super active, institute, gym pass--everything. I'm thrilled.
♥ Service, service, services, service, service. It's people that matter in life. I need to pay my bills, but it isn't money that matters in life. It's human connections and helping each other. I'm gonna help people this summer. (Well, forever, but you get the picture.)
♥ So yeah.

Okay, I love when you offer to stick a paper in the box for a student, and they still watch to see you put it in like they don't trust you. So funny.

♥ Oh, I'm also reading Franny and Zooey by J. D. Salinger. So far, it's awesome. I love his descriptions.
♥ I heart Deathcab For Cutie. Just throwing that out there.

♥ There are a few names on my bad list at the moment. That doesn't happen. But we'll see how things pan out. As long as nobody screws with the people I love, everything will be okay. But if one of them gets hurt, the shit's gonna hit the fan.
...I feel very intensely about this right now.

♥ Moving my canary home tonight. It'll be better for him. He'll see the sun, and it'll make my grandma super happy.
♥ Speaking of Gma, I had her show me her rings last night for fun, and she gave me a couple that are too small for her. They're RAD!}

So in short, what can I do for YOU?

I'm a bad person.

2009-04-24T16:00:00.002-06:00

"The man who backbites an absent friend, nay who does not stand up for him when another blames him, the man who angles for bursts of laughter and for repute of a wit, who can invent what he never saw, who cannot keep a secret - that man is black at heart: mark and avoid him." --Cicero

Okay I get it... I can change...

I'm fine.

2009-04-22T15:34:00.002-06:00

Ten points to the first one to place that quote.

Sunday, bloody Sunday

2009-04-19T21:35:00.004-06:00

Things I'm tired of:

Pseudo-intellectuals with chips on their shoulder.
Anyone with a chip on their shoulder.
School.
Joblessness.
Allergies.

Things that are AWESOME!:

Everyone in my life.
Respect.
Jaron coming over sometime soooon...
The playlist on Bucky's blog. *Minus that John Mayer song.
Finger painting in the park.
My canary.
My brothers!
SAST this year! Good job, guys!
Ethan Williams for putting in good words/telling me the Flower Patch is hiring!
The TAG banquet!
The Beats show!
Jesus!
My camera!
My kitty isn't so sick anymore.
Jason's party!

Counting bears

2009-04-17T15:31:00.004-06:00

Things that make my day:

TAG Banquet! Got my dress and most of the accesories are falling into place. Plus dress-up dates with Jaron are SO fun. Ha. I like him.
I recommended The House on Mango Street to a girl in my Beats class, and she loved it! I'm sad the semester is almost over {well...kinda} cuz I'm making friends in there. SO MANY Ns. Anyway, that was cool. I love when people appreciate my favorite things.
New music! A girl I work with recommended CocoRosie, so I plugged them in on Pandora, and not only are they awesome, but I love everything else that comes up!
The sky. Welcome back, spring. I missed you.
The probability of working at the Flower Patch. I reeeeeeally want that job.
I saw so many of my favorite people yesterday!
My mom's at school for some conference, and she had the craziest stories of mayhem and disaster. Like people being cuffed in the parking lot and exploding beakers of sodium chloride that resulted in emergency room trips for students and the teacher. Bi-za-rr-o.
Suuuuuuuuuzzzzzzziiiiiiiiieeeeeeee. Gotta write to her.
YOUR FACE!
Beats! And all the "I'm-more-underground-than-you" bragging right that go along with it.
Wearing a jaunty, yellow hat. I am officially The Principles of Uncertainty.

Scientific Method

2009-04-16T23:06:00.003-06:00

Meg's continuing goal:

MAKE THE DAMNED FISH OIL UNDETECTABLE.

Attempt 1: Just down the tbsp.
Result: near vomiting.

Attempt 2: Mix with water, sugar and kool-aid.
Result: Downed flavor, but texture was still a trial. Also, sugar is a no-no.

Attempt 3: Add to spicy hot V8.
Result: Successful masking of flavor. Oil & juice did not integrate well.
Attempt 4: Add to oatmeal.
Result: Texture finally eradicated, flavor VERY noticeable.

Attempt 4.5: Added about 1/2 cup of cinnamon sugar.
Result: Unable to eliminate odor.

Sigh. You win this round, fish oil!

Hotel Rachmaninov

2009-04-15T22:13:00.002-06:00

Lately:

Nearly bought this dress. Look familiar?

Yup. That's the one.

Alas! I'd have to order it from NY, and it's out of stock till 4 days after I needed it. Drat. So, the dress hunt continues. I love it so. {Not the hunt.}

Bucky finally got back from Calf Creek Monday night, so I slept over and spent all yesterday playing with she and Jakey. SO FUN. I really missed them. Messed around, jammed, Rock Banded, shopped a little, etc. Date with Jer-Bear last night. Watched Children of Men. Holy intense movie, Batman. I think I stopped breathing for minutes at a time. Visually, it's gorgeous. And the premise is horrifying. SO GOOD. Plus I just like anything that equates time with him.

Tonight, I had a performance with some people from my Beats class. It was at St. Mark's cathedral in SLC. Alex did a thing on the Futurist movement after WWI. My part was a group of us reading a futurist piece as an ensemble. I can't explain it, but it was cool. Hopefully, I'll do more on it. I dragged Matt along, and he really liked it. I'm gonna make him come to my class for the next week.

So people actually tea bagged the white house? Pretty cool. It's definitely a strong statement.

Whaaat else?

I'm exhausted. Need a little Breakfast At Tiffany's.

2009-04-06T08:40:00.004-06:00

Iron & Wine--Naked As We Came

She says, "Wake up, it's no use pretending"
I'll keep still and breathe in her.
Birds are leaving over autumn's ending
One of us will die inside these arms
Eyes wide open, naked as we came
One will spread our ashes round the yard

She says, "If i leave before you, darling
Don't you waste me in the ground"
I lay smiling like our sleeping children
One of us will die inside these arms
Eyes wide open, naked as we came
One will spread our ashes round the yard

We watched The Fountain last night.
I forget how deeply that movie effects me.
I just cried through the entire thing
and was pretty close for the rest of the night.
I only remember watching it once before,
but this time, it was so beautiful.
The imagery, the color scheme, the symbolism,
the intricate, multi-level story. (Not to mention the leads.)
Plus Hugh Jackman is an ISFJ, and if I remember right,
Rachel Weiss is INFP. Hm.
I love how subconsciously empathic people can be.
Mac the cat insisted on sitting on my lap for most of the movie.
When it was over, Jar wrapped his arms around me and just
held me and kissed my face for a while.
He leaned over and said, "You're gonna get better."
So he loves me. What else do you need?

Cheer up, sleepy Jean

2009-04-05T12:25:00.008-06:00

I never blog anymore.

So a few things on my mind right now:

♥ I LOVE CONFERENCE!
♥ I need a steady job or I'll probably have to move home (dun dun DUN.)
♥ My apartment manager is a bad person.
♥ I have a shopping problem. But on the plus side, I found two PERFECT lockets this week! :)
♥ I love my family.
♥ I love Jaron's family.
♥ I love Jaron. Why is he so sweet to me?
♥ Meeting relatives is really scary.
♥ Commercials during conference are SO SO CHEESY!
♥ I think my priorities are finally in the right place. I'm SO ready to be the person I ought to be. Sacrament next week. Whoop!
♥ I SUCK at diets. Epic fail.
♥ NAP.
♥ suziesuziesuziesuziesuzie
♥ One more month of school! Two more months of contract!
♥ Why won't it be spring? Why won't my flowers just bloom already?
♥ What am I gonna wear to the TAG banquet?
♥ Where can I vollunteer around here?
♥ I'm swearing off personality tests. They screw me up. I'm just gonna have to start paying closer attention to people and not just assume that really, they work like me once you get thru the shyness. Ha it's way to confusing when it's not true.
♥ Poetry reading on the 9th and then some beats performance on the 15th. More details when I have them.
♥ Pink paint.
♥ Whoever writes the music for infomercials should develop a close, personal relationship with thumb screws.
♥ No more being a brat.
♥ Final projects!
♥ Love the Draper temple.
♥ I miss Pres. Hinckley.

More later

2009-04-01T16:41:00.002-06:00

Dear God:

2009-03-25T02:07:00.011-06:00

Thank you for:
♥ A beautiful, perfect day.
♥ Family.
♥ (Not pictured: Bucky & Suzie.)
♥ People who care & look out for me.
♥ The Gospel.
♥ Shopping.
♥ Health.
♥ Speech.
♥ A thousand things.
♥ And all surrounding events.

♥ But especially this.

Love, Meg

2009-03-10T13:03:00.004-06:00

((muster is such a good word
until you realize it's a condiment))


My line in the sand
spirals

pretty words
and brighter hopes
do not a steady reality make

the last tier
cluttered corners
a staggered breath
to remind

idyllic?
ironic
echoed phrases
new intent
but the same response:

in my stomach
loss
being misplaced
limbo

be strong
be open
be there
understand
step back
forgotten

temporarily


Dizzy--Jimmy Eat World

You close your eyes and kiss your hand, then you blow it
But it isn't meant for me and I notice
If the choice was ours alone
Then why'd we both choose letting go
Does it end like this

Time never had a chance to heal your heart
Just a number always counting down to a new start
If you always knew the truth
Then the world would spin around you
Are you dizzy yet

Respectfully, some honesty I'm calling out
Do you hear the conversation we talk about
I'll back away to the safety of a quiet house
If there's half a chance in this moment
When your eyes meet mine we show it all

All talk and not a lot to think, we were living dreams
And shame never crept close to our naked feet
If there's something left to lose
Then don't let me wear out my shoes
I'm still again.

I tried, but it rang and rang, I called all night
On a pay phone, remember those from another life
If everything I meant to you
You can lick and seal then fold in two
Then I've been so blind

Respectfully, some honesty I'm asking now
Do you hear the conversation we talk about
I'll back away to the safety of a quiet house
If there's half a chance in this moment
When your eyes meet mine we show it all

Oh, oh, take it all back, take your first, your last, your only
Oh, oh, take it all back, take it all back, everything you showed me
Oh, oh, this must be how it feels when the feeling goes...ohhhhh

I told you as I hovered, I'd never felt this way
You said I had the shot that stops my clock, baby it's ok
You said you'd never have regrets
Jesus, is there someone yet who got that wish
Did you get yours, babe

Respectfully, some honesty I'm asking now
Do you hear the conversation we talk about
I'll back away to the safety of a quiet house
If there's half a chance in this moment
When your eyes meet mine we show it all

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers - It'll All Work Out

2009-03-07T17:32:00.001-07:00

She wore faded jeans and soft black leather
She had eyes so blue they looked like weather
When she needed me I wasn't around
That's the way it goes, it'll all work out

There were times apart, there were times together
I was pledged to her for worse or better
When it mattered most I let her down
That's the way it goes, it'll all work out

It'll all work out eventually
Better off with him than here with me

It'll all work out eventually
Maybe better off with him than here with me

Now the wind is high and the rain is heavy
And the water's rising in the levee
Still I think of her when the sun goes down
It never goes away, but it all works out

Adaptation

2009-03-07T02:28:00.002-07:00

This is from the movie Adaptation. Nicholas Cage plays twins, and this scene is between them. I think it's the most visceral, important part of the film. It's one of my favorite concepts I've ever heard. Frequently makes me cry to think about. So beautiful.

Charlie Kaufman: There was this time in high school. I was watching you out the library window. You were talking to Sarah Marsh.
Donald Kaufman: Oh, God. I was so in love with her.
Charlie Kaufman: I know. And you were flirting with her. And she was being really sweet to you.
Donald Kaufman: I remember that.
Charlie Kaufman: Then, when you walked away, she started making fun of you with Kim Canetti. And it was like they were laughing at *me*. You didn't know at all. You seemed so happy.
Donald Kaufman: I knew. I heard them.
Charlie Kaufman: How come you looked so happy?
Donald Kaufman: I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn't have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want.
Charlie Kaufman: But she thought you were pathetic.
Donald Kaufman: That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That's what I decided a long time ago.

2009-03-06T15:08:00.000-07:00

Think I'm out of ideas.
Time to buddy up with the shrink again.

2009-03-06T02:37:00.002-07:00

I need a full-time job.
" to go to the one I have.
" all my classes.
Kiss butt and WORK WORK WORK in my classes.
FOCUS
CLEAR
Smile more
Stop internalizing other peoples' emotions
" stress
Talk to a shrink--get some stress management ideas.
Stop listening to well-meant but anxiety-ridden advice.
Grow up.
Take the sacrament. This is beyond ridiculous.
Peace Corps? I'd really miss my family. And that'd be way too hard to leave Jaron.
Do laundry.
Clean.
See the sun more.
Find something to do over spring break. :(
Shower.
Find something to be passionate about.
Go to sleep.
Finish something. Anything.

And that's the truth.

2009-03-02T14:08:00.003-07:00

I'll sing it one last time for you

Then we really have to go

You've been the only thing that's right

In all I've done

And I can barely look at you

But every single time I do
I know we'll make it any where

Away from here

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you can not hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, Louder

And we'll run for our lives

I can hardly speak I understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think i might not see those eyes

Makes it so hard not to cry

And as we say our long goodbyes

I nearly do

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you can not hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, Louder

And we'll run for our lives

I can hardly speak I understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower, slower

We don't have time for that

All I want's to find an easier way

To get out of our little heads

Have heart, my dear

We're bound to be afraid

Even if its just for a few days

Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you can not hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

And the winner is...

2009-02-20T15:09:00.001-07:00

IT'S FRIDAY!

If I had my own world, I'd build you an empire

2009-02-18T00:27:00.005-07:00

Life plans:

♥ Get Jar's b-day present.
♥ Throw Madre a b-day party.
♥ Move into cute house with Bucky. Decorate the hell out of it.
♥ Go to the temple.
♥ Get energy therapy certification. Start processing.
♥ Open a plant nursery.
♥ Open a reception center.
♥ Learn to make pottery. Make tea sets.
♥ Have a thousand babies. (This is not an immediate plan.)
♥ See Europe.

I cried when I thought I'd never see this piece again.

2009-02-16T21:24:00.001-07:00

This is what convinced me to continue in theatre. This was the most moving piece of an incredibly cathartic experience for me. I LOVE TONGUES!

i promise you, i promise you i will

2009-02-07T11:09:00.002-07:00

"Then we sat on the edge of the earth, with our feet dangling over the side, and marveled that we had found each other."
-Erik Dillard

Last night was so much fun! I went to the stroll with Bucky and Grantzles. Got dinner at Pennyroyal. Then went swimming at Katie Sully's house and slept at Bucky's. I love my friends so so much! I'm very blessed with good people in my life. And on top of that, it rained yesterday, and it's foggy today. (Shhh... I think I hear a hound baying on the moor...)
Today, Bucky and I are picking up something scandalous for Kim from Dirty Joe's, hitting up her bridal shower, getting my hair done, working on our musical and then throwing a party.

i love you. so there.

Not bad for a quadroped.

2009-02-02T14:57:00.002-07:00

Okay, let's face it.
My life isn't even that complicated. I've got it pretty good. My parents help me out way too much. I have a fun major. I get to do what I like every night. My boyfriend is the most amazing person in the world. My family is super caring. My roomie and I are really good friends. My friends are awesome. I've had so many growing opportunities in the last couple months.

Some people have real problems.
Like diseases. Or mean mothers-in-law. Or abusive boyfriends. Or learning disabilities. Or genocide in their backyard.

What's my problem? ADD, a wonky immune system and a congested schedule.
Suck it up, Meg. Dropping out of college isn't an option... seeing as the drop date was last week. Dammit.

Would I be happy if I had all the free time in the world? Heck no. I've been there. It's awful. I just need a couple nights a week where I'm not in a theatre. I need to stop being sick. I'm so done being sick. And I need to get my act together and just GO TO CLASSES. At least through the semester. After that, I'll look into real jobs or Healing Arts Institutes.

I can do this!
Two more weeks of chaos!

Augh. That damn groundhog. 6 more weeks of winter.

The stars in your eyes light up the sky

2009-01-29T01:56:00.004-07:00

I wrote this one a while back. I guess it's safe to post now. Ha.

I love him. There. Love love love love! It might be my favorite word.

Enjoy.

SUCH A GOOD NIGHT! GAAAAH!

Seriously! I never feel as whole as in his arms. I never want to leave.

Anyway, it doesn't have a title. Darn blogger always screws up my spacing, but you get the point.

A simple phrase

Overused

Tossed to the wind,

Careless

In times of convenience

Or mild amusement

Bunches and sighs

At the corners of my lips,

Prickling whistling

Through cracks

Omnipresent in the forefront

Of my inner monologue

Filling my life with song.

You kiss me, and my soul ignites—internal orchestral glee.

Take my hand—my smile whispers.

You must read it in my eyes.

You must hear it in my voice.

The word big enough for you is unpronounceable—I can think of none.

Sylvia Plath wasn't crazy; she was just cold.

2009-01-28T00:41:00.002-07:00

Sometimes I get sad, and I can't pull myself out of it.
Sometimes being with a thousand bubbly people helps. I.E., my cast is freaking amazing. But other times, that just makes me feel lonelier--especially after.
There really isn't much to do about it. So I become a recluse and mope.

I hate this feeling. Damn.

I'm never comfortable asking for things because
a. I don't know where the line is between acceptable and crazy and
b. because I always understand, and sometimes, there just isn't anything to do about it.
And then there's c. I don't really feel worth the trouble, but I want to. So I hope that I won't have to say anything.

Oh gosh. I'm one of them.

Do you ever feel left out of your own life?

...Maybe I ought to talk to someone...

These photographs keep me alive... and baby, you're my song.

2009-01-27T02:03:00.022-07:00

Because I'm swamped and exhausted, I'll update in pictures. These are people or days I love/miss. So there. I love/miss you. Yeah. I went there. Ha.

I broke my wall down last week.
I finally wrote to Suzie.
I miss her really, really bad.
I actually have to think about her now--like specifics.
It sucks, but I'm grateful to remember.

Tracy wants to use some of my poems as class examples while they're studying poetry. I'm a little nervous but flattered. Largely, I'm wondering which ones she wanted to use.

I love my Chess cast SO MUCH.

I really miss seeing my boyfriend though. Like really. This is ridiculous. He's too wonderful to not see. I sort of resent people who get to see the people they're dating regularly. I know it's silly, and it's not like I hate them, but I'm definitely jealous. We've been SO BUSY lately! It's not like I don't understand. And it's half my fault. I just wish we had the time to just do nothing together or something every day. Bah humbug. Maybe this summer.

I'm considering a summer stock job.

My car died on the freeway today.

I love you, Bucky. I want to show Kayleigh your room.

I LOVE THIS SHIRT!

2009-01-22T01:38:00.001-07:00

Aaaaaaaaaalrighty then!

2009-01-21T17:41:00.005-07:00

That's it!

I'm done!
I'm taking control of my life! I'm taking responsibility! I'm GOING TO ALL OF MY CLASSES! I'm doing my homework, memorizing, sucking it up when I don't see my boyfriend!
I'm reading my scriptures!
I'm writing to Suzie!
I'm watching Twilight with my mom!
I'm losing my inhibitions in acting!
I'm being grateful!
I'm not allowing myself to feel muddy anymore!
I'm upping the energy in everything!

FINAL DRESS TONIGHT! EEK!

Today, I took a stagecraft quiz. Then Joe explained an architect's rule in the most round-about way ever. Then, we watched Pippin in Musical Theatre. Then, I RAN to my Beats class. I had the craziest experience with that. Like, walking fast was really hard, but then my feet would just take off, and I'd be running, and it was like I was kinda floating outside of myself. Not making any choices--just responding. It was so bizarre. Kinda cool though. Then I sat at work for an hour and read Ruthless. It's HILARIOUS. I'm excited about this project now. Then I rehearsed my ACTF scene with Mark. I'm struggling, but Chris lent me the Last Night of Ballyhoo script, so I'll work on it. It got a lot better with some direction though. He told me I have a Carol Lombard vibe to him. Apparently, she's an old "sort of kooky, dizzy character actress... big eyes..." Anyway, I googled her. She's gorgeous.
So yeah! Now rehearsal. I should do something proactive now. I think I'll read my scriptures and sit under my happy lights.

(One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster/the bars are temples but the pearls ain't free/you'll find a God in every golden cloister/and if you're lucky then the God's a she/I can feel an angel sliding up to me/it's a drag/it's really such a pity/to be looking at the board/not looking at the city/tea girls warm and sweet/some are set up in the Somerset Maugham suite/one night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble/not much between despair and ecstasy/one night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble/can't be too careful with your company/I can feel the devil walking next to me/one night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble/not much between despair and ecstasy/one night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster/the bars are temples but the pearls ain't free/you'll find a God in every golden cloister/a little flesh a little history/I can feel and angel sliding up to me/one night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble/not much between despair and ecstasy/one night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble/can't be too careful with your company/I can feel the devil walking next to me.) WHOOT! All from memory, Jeremy!

I'm making a choice! I'm happy! I will do well because I'm choosing to despite stupid situations or a crazy work load. And if I get sad, I get sad. I can experience it and then move on. No more wallowing.

Petty grievances

2009-01-20T13:38:00.005-07:00

I'm sort of disappointed in myself right now.
♥ I definitely skipped my film class this morning. I was ready in just about enough time, but I started feeling kinda disoriented and nauseated, so I just didn't go. I had the WEIRDEST dream this morning, and it's left me feeling bizarre.
♥ Definitely didn't watch Jurassic Park last night, goshdangit. A contributing factor to missing class.
♥ I'm not at work right now.
♥ I haven't even started my Musical Theatre project with Penny.
♥ I'm super scared for our Chess dress rehearsal tonight.
♥ ...And Nossy starting again on Saturday.
♥ ...And my ACTF scenes...
♥ Haven't cleaned my mom's house yet.
♥ I just feel like I'm dropping the ball way too early in the semester. So what if I have mono, ADD and a full load? Don't we all? It's no excuse to slack off. I HAVE to do things even though I really don't want to. GAH! Now MOVE, body! How do I get my brain to focus? I'm so frustrated. Urgh.
♥ And on top of that, my parents are so unhappy. And I can't fix it.
♥ Oh, and there went another week of not writing to Suzie. She's gonna slap me across the face first thing when she sees me. And I'll deserve it.
♥ Oh. And I'm a super needy girlfriend. I don't know that I can help that one though...

Bah humbug.